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Top 10 Reasons Why I Might(?) be the World's Worst Mother




Thought it might be fun to write something that Good Enough Mama started. Wonder if my kids will agree these are the worst, or that I'm worse than worst. I hope they don't file a formal objection. Or hold a rally in my face.

***BAD

#10 Months go on end that I don’t sew buttons or zippers on uniforms, etc.
Tsk tsk…

# 9 Sometimes I go for a week or two that I don’t feed them vegetables.
My saving grace is milk.


***WORSE

#8 Sometimes, I wake up late on schooldays.
Thus, the boys are late too. I have experienced waking up to the schoolbus aide knocking on our door.

#7 If I equally divide any snack between the 3 of us, and 1 gobbles everything up and asks for my share, I flat out refuse.

No way, man. I try to hide behind the noble reason of learning to adjust to what you have, but really, it’s because I’m selfish and don’t want to give away my share. :-p


***WORST

#6 I’m always late for my sons’ programs.
At least those informal ones where I’m not expected to do anything, but I just want to be there.

Last program I attended for my freshman son, with the program unclarified, found out that parents were supposed to hang medals on the honor students (my son was top3). I arrived when the 3rd years were being called.


***EVILLL

#5 Cussing is allowed in my house.
We are allowed to say shit, fuck, and goddamnit!

I figured since they are boys, they'll say bad words with their peers anyway. I'm just removing the titillating thrill of doing something forbidden.

With the following clarifications:
• They are not allowed to say so in school, in public, in front of other family,
• Only allowed to say it when 3 of us are around.
• Because they will make other people uncomfortable,
• Because they will be called in by guidance/ the principal… (scary. This reason shuts the cussing up in public)

(Numinoo-minoo-minoo...I'm not mentioning that I swear when I'm angry, I swear when I'm surprised, I swear when I'm happy.. numinoo-minoo-minoo...)

#4 They are REQUIRED to call penis a penis, a vagina a vagina, sex for sex. Or else.

If parents hit the roof when their kids say “sex” or “penis”. Me, I hit the roof when I hear “that thing” or “pee pee” and the rest. I become semi-hysterical.

I can’t help it. I used to work in a reproductive health clinic/ advocacy group and calling body parts different names causes trouble big time. So at least in my house, this is the rule.

#3 When my stronger kid gets fever, I don’t believe him.
When he was 2years old, he got really sick and was injected with several bottles of gamma globulin… He was invincible thereafter… Rarely got sick. Like Obelix in the comic book Asterix.

As the years wore on, his body was becoming less and less resistant to illness. When he says he has fever, I pooh2 him. Later the school will call to inform me he threw up because he was ill and can I please pick him up…

Slow, stubborn bitch that I am, I still forget to believe him sometimes.




***OMG!!! YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY


The last 2 are head-to-head. The worst, the most eee-vihhhhhllll!!!… *Thunder rumbling*

I had a hard time judging which one makes me the worst mother in the whole wide universe.

#2 Their white uniforms are gray.
See "The polo shirts are always whiter over there" in this link

#1 Because I use their lives as blog fodder. Definitely without consent.

Just last night, teen son asked me, “Mom, what’s the name of your blog?” He apparently wanted to monitor it for new entries.

Without skipping a beat I said, Don’t wanna tell you.

“Why?”

Because I write about you.


Evil, I am.
Muhahaha! Muhahahah!
*Thunder rumbling*

(and so are you ;-)

Comments

mrsbear said…
Those last two aren't as bad as you think. I mean, don't we all use our kids as blog fodder? I'll even show them a post or two, I won't give them the url though. That would be going to far. Oh and yeah, my kids don't eat too many veggies either, except for corn.
Kat Olivares said…
Reason #1 - Just a little something to democratize motherhood's shittiness among all of us. Spreading the love. :-)

We're all sisters together, really.

Beyond the skin color, age, hair and skin texture... our goof-offs unite us all.

God, I hope my kids don't see this post... *hiding under a rock*
Casey said…
Oh my kids are going to totally hate me when they grow up and realize I exploited them for my blog. I reread one post I wrote last week and if you didn't know me and my sense of humor, you would totally think I hate my children. For the record, I don't. I swear.
dayum! i wish we could cuss in our house. really? that's why i blog -- so i can swear and hubby doesn't hear me. yeah, i'm married to a saint. sometimes it's a pain in the ass...

...better late than never: your link is up on my post. sorry it took so long!

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